


Wounded Rhymes

by tittianamaslany (dancercofd)



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-08-28 18:09:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8456593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancercofd/pseuds/tittianamaslany
Summary: Erin wanted a night out. She wound up with a headache, a fuzzy memory and a secret.Two scientists, two perspectives, one heck of a romance.





	1. Everybody But Me

Jillian Holtzmann knew how to party. For a large chunk of the last 10 years, she had frequented a series of bars across New York City, loving the feeling of an empty brain for a few hours every weekend. She could step into the club and, no matter how much she stood out with her eccentric clothes and over-excited smile on the streets, she blended in with the low lights of the spaces. 

Over the years, Holtzmann had sought out these spaces as a place to work through things. When her brain got too busy detailing a design or thinking about her lonely college years, she would speed to the club and slam her head to the music until she couldn't hear her own thoughts anymore. She would sway with the bodies around her, usually picking someone up and having a good time in a bathroom before trudging home after last call. 

She had gotten so used to nobody wanting to stick around. During the day, she tried to make friends with colleagues and students at the university she was working at, but her research-focused position and tendency to explode everything she touched had built a silent bubble around her. 

People weren't really her thing, she had decided. Machines, yes. But not people. 

In her mid-30s, Holtz still rallied until the early hours of the morning. She was swaying, breathless in the midst of her favorite lesbian club in the city. It was the weekend before Halloween and the club was more packed than Holtz had ever seen it. She hadn't planned to go out this night because of the holiday and the fact that it was a work night, but had forced herself because the alternative was sitting alone and tinkering, which she did enough of in her free time. 

She arrived in full Risky Business gear, boxers with large kiss marks on them and a large white button down shirt hanging loosely on her. She had subbed out Tom Cruise's blackout sunglasses with her favorite yellow goggles, which perched on her nose, and had pinned her hair in its usual unsuspectingly complicated bun.

She made her way toward the center of the room, spying a woman in the center with deep red hair and arms above her head . The woman's costume had caught Holtz's eye immediately: she appeared to be dressed as deep space. Her skin tight galaxy dress was riding high on her thighs, and her face was painted with similar tones marking the center of a galaxy on her eye and growing outward to cover the rest of her face. Holtz worked her way toward the woman and caught her eye, smiling deviously and winking before holding out her hand and pulling their bodies together. The music continued blasting and the women pressed closely together, partially being pushed by the swarming crowd around them, partially not letting their hands off of the other. 

Holtz spun around, pressing her back to the other woman's front. The red head's hands pulled her shirt up on the front and found their way to the bare skin between her shirt and boxers, her lips leaving sporadic kisses along her neck. Holtz played into the woman, grabbing her hands and dipping them into the waistband of her pants. She leaned her head back onto the other woman's shoulder and grinned. Holtz rolled her head, pressing a soft kiss just behind her ear and feeling the red head claw her hips lightly. 

"Bathroom?" Holtz whisper-yelled above the music. The red head spun herself so that Holtz was behind her and dragged her by the hand through the crowd, locating the single person bathroom and pulling her in. 

As soon as the door shut behind them, the mysterious red head shoved her against the door and kissed her hard. She tasted like tequila and salt, and Holtz couldn't help but pull her even closer. Holtz felt a rush through her whole body as she acted quickly and worked the woman's dress further up her thighs. She flipped them and pinned the other woman against the door, quickly noting that she wasn’t wearing any underwear and pressing 2 fingers inside her. The woman moaned loudly in her ear, throwing her head against the door. Holtz took the cue to pump her fingers faster, her thumb staying on the woman's clit, her lips working their way up and down her neck and behind her ear where Holtz had found the sweet spot earlier. The red head tightened around her fingers after a few rough minutes and yelped, riding her orgasm out on the blonde's hand. Holtz grinned at her and removed her hand, licking her fingers without breaking eye contact. 

The red head flipped them again, pressing Holtz into the door this time and getting down on her knees, pulling Holtz's boxers down just enough to press her tongue to her clit. Holtz groaned and looked down, watching the galaxy woman as she rolled her tongue and lips all over her, eventually shoving her tongue upwards and fucking her until she couldn't stand straight. 

The red head stood up and pulled her boxers up, grinning widely. Holtz was leaning on the door, her legs still shaking. The two stood in near silence for a few moments, grinning widely at each other. 

"Come here often?" Holtz said with a wink. 

Even beneath the makeup, she could see a blush rising on the other woman's face. 

"It's uh…it's my first time, actually," she responded quietly. She fidgeted nervously, Holtz suddenly noticing that the makeup around her mouth was smeared in an inconspicuous way. Her smile shifted to a more cheeky one as she reached up and ran her fingers across the woman's lips. 

"You might want to touch this up before we leave," she said softly. The other woman's eyes went wide as her hand reached up to her face and came away purple. Her eyes trailed down Holtz's outfit noting the blue marks down her neck and landed on her crotch. Holtz watched her gaze and looked down as well, pulling her boxer band out and noting that, indeed, her whole crotch was blue and purple. Holtz caught the redhead's hand and laughed softly. 

"Hey, it's cool, it was totally worth it. I'm Holtzmann, by the way. You can call me Holtz."

She made eye contact with the woman again and kissed her hand lightly. 

"And you are…?

"Oh, I'm Eri…ca. Erica Gordon. Yep. That's me. Hi!" she said, a bit too cheerily. Holtz nodded and smiled at her. 

"We should…there might be a line," Erin said softly, gesturing toward the door.

"Right," Holtz said.

Erin turned to the small mirror in the bathroom and fixed her makeup as best she could. Holtz watched her move. She noted the way her dress reached just to the bottom of her ass, the way her legs looked like they went on for miles. She caught sight of her leg muscles and licked her lips. Her eyes trailed upwards, taking in the small details of the other woman. She saw the familiar MIT class ring on her finger and immediately wondered if she had known this woman in her own time at the university. She trailed up a bit further also catching sight of a small atom tattoo peeking out above the back of her dress. Before she could say anything, she caught the other woman's eye in the mirror. 

"I like the tattoo," she said. Erin giggled softly and thanked her. 

"You ready, hot stuff?" Holtz asked her. Erin nodded and let Holtz unlock the door, following her back toward the main area. 

"I should probably get going," Erin said, yelling to be heard over the music. Holtz turned back to her, the look in her eyes a bit sad. 

"Do you…you don't want to get a drink or something?" she asked. Erin shook her head slowly. 

"I have to get home and…feed…my cat," she said, not making eye contact. Holtz could tell this was a lie, but didn't have the energy to fight on it. 

"Alright well…it was nice to meet you, Erica," Holtz said, shaking her hand and winking. "I'm here every week. If you're ever back, you should find me. I had a good time tonight."

The red head grinned at her and nodded, making her way out of the club. Holtz watched her leave and felt her heart ache slowly. Something about the other woman had been enticing. The way she tasted and the sound of her moan echoed in Holtz's ears louder than the music. She suddenly felt very small and alone. She tried to make her way back to the dance floor, but felt deflated looking at the other women around her. The galaxy woman had been captivating. The energy she put out into the world made Holtz feel like a magnet. She considered trying to get out of the club and find the mysterious woman, but she knew it was too late. She would just have to keep coming back and hope that they would meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0115/5832/products/galaxy-purple-dress-close_1024x1024.png?v=1373714541) is Erin's dress and [this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/01/46/2b/01462bb666777b1d341448d0dbb1f8f5.jpg) is her makeup.


	2. Dance Dance Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every story has two perspectives.
> 
> _Having trouble telling how I feel,  
>  But I can dance, dance, dance.  
> Couldn't possibly tell you how I mean,  
> But I can dance, dance, dance _

Erin threw her head back, the hot liquor sliding down her throat easily. She was 3 shots into the night and wasn't really in the mood to stop. After a string of terrible first dates, Erin was frustrated in more than one way. She couldn't understand what it was about her that seemed to completely repel every guy she had ever met.

 

After tonight, though, she had had enough with men. The few times she had drunkenly made out with girls in college were enough to let her know she was definitely interested and, after playing it safe and straight for so many years, she wanted a taste of more. So, on Halloween, the ideal night to be someone else for a few hours, she dug out the most festive dress she owned and started on. She texted Abby trying to get her to join her party night, but her friend was otherwise occupied at a conference in Connecticut and wouldn't be home until late that night.

 

Erin poured herself another shot and took it as she put the finishing touches on her makeup. She smiled at herself in her bathroom mirror, noting how her years of precision in everything she did had paid off.

 

With a final look in the mirror, Erin closed the bottle she had been carrying around her too-quiet apartment and headed to the club. She had been eyeing the Halloween event at a gay club downtown for weeks and swallowed heavily as she exited the subway a few blocks away. Her heart was racing in her chest, anxiety creeping in over this new and out-of-character action for her, but she pushed on knowing that if she turned back now, she would always wonder what might have happened that night.

 

She made her way into the club, somewhat happy that it appeared to be a number of single people around the space. She headed for the bar noting 4 couples making out along the way. She ordered 2 more shots, now sufficiently drunk, and let herself go.

 

With her arms above her head and bodies swimming against her from every direction, Erin felt alive again. She forgot about all of the terrible first dates, feeling comfortable in the space. She let her hands wave above her head and felt other hands grazing her shoulders, stomach and hips as she threw her head back and grinned. The pressure in her chest quieted.

 

She stayed on the dance floor for 15 minutes, peeking around the room to find someone of interest. While she was thankful for the distraction that the dancing had given her, she had a goal for the night and, even in her drunken state, was fully committed as Erin Gilbert always was.

 

She spun herself around slowly, dancing heatedly with a woman in a short silk robe and lingerie next to her. Looking over the woman's shoulder momentarily, she locked eyes with a goofy looking blonde across the room. Erin was mesmerized by her momentarily as the woman pushed her way, somewhat hectically, into the crowd and in her direction. The blonde smiled and winked at her and Erin felt her stomach drop. She grinned back, pushing past the woman in the robe and taking the extended hand of the blonde.

 

The woman was dressed in silly boxers and a large button down shirt, a costume that Erin immediately recognized and that made her giggle inside. She had grown up watching Risky Business with her cousins every Christmas, and felt comforted as she delved into slightly unfamiliar territory.

 

Erin's arms immediately fell around the woman's neck, the blonde's hands resting on her hips. Her grip was firm, and Erin couldn't help but dig her fingers into the woman's hair and pull them closer. As their hips ground together, Erin felt herself getting more aroused. They stayed that way for a while - Erin lost track of time - before the blonde flipped them and Erin's hand accidentally lifted her shirt, resting on the soft skin above her waistband. She inhaled deeply, smelling something like oil and cinnamon on the other woman. Without thinking more, Erin pressed her lips to the other woman's neck, delighting in the sound of her quick inhale right in her ear.

 

The blonde acted quickly in response, shoving Erin's delicate hands right into her pants. Erin was thankful that the loud music around them covered up her half gasp half moan as she felt the smooth skin of the blonde's hips. The blonde ground her ass backwards as Erin continued kissing her neck, her thumbs running small circles in the waistband of her boxers. Erin's body was on fire as she felt the blonde's hands crawl back on her body, sliding to Erin's hips before pressing a soft kiss behind Erin's ear. The redhead gasped and dug her hands into the blonde's hips unintentionally.

 

The woman whispered to her in a husky voice, a proposition Erin realized quickly. She spun and dragged the woman behind her, seeking every kind of relief she could get. As the bathroom door closed, Erin pressed her against the door and slammed their lips together. She was feeling sloppy and confident and committed to this. Her body was aching, she realized, for someone else to be inside her. The blonde took control, shoving her hard against the door as she hit her head lightly. She barely felt the soreness as she scooted her hips away from the door, letting the woman slide her dress up and pressing quickly inside her. The feeling finally overtook her completely, her body taking control over her mind and doing everything to get the woman further inside her. She took the hint and fucked her hard and wordless, Erin feeling the pressure build inside her until she squealed as she came.

 

Her head was spinning and buzzing. She was so high on this woman, whose goofy grin was shining through Erin's blurred vision. Whether it was the alcohol or the best orgasm of her life she wasn't sure, but the room around the woman's head was spinning slightly. Her vision tunneled directly on the blonde's face as she popped her wet fingers into her mouth, cleaning them and grinning at her. Erin only needed a second to focus in on her before committing. She hadn't ever gotten to this point with a woman, but her lips needed to be on something. She flipped them, pinning the blonde to the door and dropping to her knees, performing actions that she knew from experience on herself worked.

 

She stood herself back up, feeling wetness dripping from her mouth. She grinned, following the motions of the blonde who, when she finally spoke in more than a whisper, had a voice that made Erin's gears grind again. She panicked when she realized her makeup was literally dripping off of her face and was, to put it gently, literally covering the blonde's lower half and neck. Before she could turn to fix it, the woman kissed her hand and introduced herself. Erin nearly bit a hole through her lip as the words "I'm Erica Gordon" tumbled from her mouth. She hadn't consciously decided to stay anonymous. She actually truly wanted to stay with the woman in the small club bathroom. She was enticed and figured getting a bit closer to her wasn't a bad thing. But, her brain betrayed her again.

 

Embarrassed, Erin turned toward the mirror and fixed her makeup before making up a sad excuse to leave the club. She ducked her head and nearly ran out the doors, the feeling of two fingers still rushing inside her. She stumbled home and showered under too-hot water before crawling in bed. She was dreading work the next day. She left out two Advil for herself and a bottle of water before falling into rough sleep.

 

***

 

Erin slammed her alarm clock off wishing she could just take a sick day today. Her mouth was dry and fluffy and still tasted like alcohol despite brushing her teeth 3 times. She was groggy and her memory was hazy. She sat up in bed slowly and took the Advil she had gratefully left out for herself the night before. She noted that her body was sore, but didn't have a full recollection of why. She remembered taking shots when she arrived at the bar, but everything after that was a blur.

 

After some shuffling, she got herself up, choked down a slice of dry toast and headed to the university. She didn't have to teach today, but she did have research to catch up on. She and Abby were working on a newly-funded project and, in their spare time, trying to actualize the theories from their book. She received a text from Abby on the train on the way up instructing to meet her in the downstairs lab. Erin slowly schlepped the long 5 blocks from the train stop to her lab, immediately falling into a rolling chair near the entrance to the room and dropping her bags dramatically on the floor.

 

"Long night?" Abby asked her. Erin met her eyes and nodded.

 

"Any fun?" she added.

 

"I'm sure it was, but I…only remember about 32% of it," Erin responded. Abby laughed at her and grinned.

 

"You needed a night out, Gilbert. Dudes getting you down always calls for a night out."

 

Erin nodded meekly at her and closed her eyes.

 

"Oh, hey! Forgot to tell you, I think I found someone for that engineering position," Abby added, tinkering with something on the table. At that moment, the door to the lab swung open again and a perky blonde in mismatched clothing strutted into the room. Jerking her hand in front of her, she froze at the sight of Erin. Erin raised an eyebrow at her, unsure where her sudden hesitance was coming from.

 

"Hey there! You must be Dr. Holtzmann," Abby piped in, grabbing her hand for a shake midair. "I’m Dr. Yates, this is my colleague Dr. Gilbert."

 

The woman stood, slightly dumbfounded, as Erin casually shook her hand. Erin watched as she raised a hand to a pair of yellow goggles in her hair. Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped slightly as the memories from the previous night came rushing back.

 

"Shit."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been a bit shit at updating, friends. It has been an awful week. I hope that you are all taking care of yourselves, and know that my inboxes on here and on tumblr (tittianamaslany) are always open for processing, talking out and general conversation. Stay strong and fight on <3


	3. Just Like A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Just like a dream  
>  Oh come, come back to me._

Holtzmann groggily opened her eyes and rolled over in bed. The clock read 6:03 am, a sight that was met with a groan. Despite being out until 3 am, she was awake and wasn't falling back asleep any time soon. Her hair was matted against her face, a few pins strewn across her pillow. She pulled her phone off the nightstand made of milk crates next to her bed and laid her arm across her bare stomach. She remembered being too exhausted to clean up last night, waking up in her boxers and socks from the previous evening, dried blue makeup smothered across parts of her body. She grinned at the memory of the Galaxy Woman, thinking immediately of how the blue of her eyes had impeccably matched the blue hues in her dress and makeup.

 

Holtz rested her phone back down, closing her eyes and relishing in the thoughts once more. She finally got out of bed half an hour later, flipped on her coffee machine and headed to the shower. Despite the fact that she wanted to continue dreaming about her next meeting with the woman from the previous night, she had offered to have an informal interview at a lab that day and wanted to be on time.

 

Holtzmann had met Abby Yates at Higgins Institute, where they had both done post-doc work and where Holtzmann had stayed to continue her research while Abby had moved on to Columbia. She had kept up with Abby through emails over the few months they had worked at different institutions and had expressed how much she wanted to work with Abby again. Out of the blue, Abby had texted her on Saturday with an opening in her own lab for an engineer with particle physics experience. Holtz responded enthusiastically with a series of heart and exclamation mark emojis, noting that she would meet Abby at the lab at 9 am on Monday.

 

As she showered, she watched the water in her tub turn blue and couldn't help but stay in the hot water for a few extra minutes, her hands wandering across her body as the memories flowed again. Holtz had had great sex. She prided herself on giving orgasms, and that was usually enough for her. But last night, the taste of the redhead on her lips lingered for hours and she couldn't help but let her fingers slide between her legs. She thought carefully through each moment of her night, rubbing her clit slowly as she leaned against the shower wall, mimicking the actions that her tongue had taken the night before. She came with a soft moan but kept her eyes closed in the shower letting the memories wash over her one last time before stepping out and toweling off.

 

She finished getting ready, pulling on a fitted green jumpsuit and mismatched socks, blow drying and twisting her hair into her token style and adorning her yellow goggles on top of her head. Checking the time, Holtz gathered her things and headed toward her favorite Hungarian coffee shop down the street from the school to waste half an hour before her interview.

 

She mozied over to the building and let herself into the room the Abby had told her about, her hand already ahead of her in preparation for a shake. She froze in place. The woman standing next to Abby  was unmistakable — her piercing blue eyes and the bright shade of her hair hit Holtzmann like a punch to the gut.

 

_"Of all the labs in the world,"_ she thought.

 

She vaguely heard Abby introduce her. She tried her best to drown out the sound of blood rushing to her ears as the redhead cocked her eyebrow at her. Holtz's brain caught up as she realized that the woman, Dr. Gilbert, didn't remember her. As she grabbed her hand to shake, Holtz's brain immediately jumped to her hottest memories, unleashing a splash of goosebumps raising over her whole body and a gentle warmth in her stomach. She had another split second to realize that the woman had also lied about her name before she watched the same eyes that had looked up at her from her knees last night swell with recognition.

 

"Shit," she heard Erin whisper, hardly loud enough for her to register. She watched as they awkwardly gripped hands for too long and Erin's face turned an unforgettable shade of red.

 

"Erin?" Abby piped in, stepping between them and waving her hand in front of her face. "Are you okay? You're all sweaty," she added.

 

Erin nodded slowly, dropping her hand at her side. Half a beat later, she turned green.

 

"Nope, not okay," she said quickly, turning on her heel and running into the nearby supply closet. Holtz and Abby heard her retch loudly and exchanged a concerned look.

 

"I'm uh…I'm sorry about that. I'm going to check on her," Abby whispered, grabbing a bottle of water from the small fridge near her desk. Holtz nodded absent-mindedly, watching the situation play out. She mentally checked in with herself, working hard to slow her pulse back down and simmer the heat that had traveled further down her body.

 

She glanced around the lab, approaching a table with a square metal backpack on it. She dropped her bag and took a seat at the table and began to fidget with the gadget, finding blueprints nearby and studying them.

 

_This should be distracting enough_ , she thought _. I just need to keep my hands busy. I can do this._

 

She lost herself in what she soon discovered was a proton blaster. She looked around and realized that the room was covered in scientific formulas. They covered pieces of butcher paper, whiteboards and every other writable surface. Holtz grinned and started wandering around the room, analyzing the numbers. Abby reappeared a few minutes later.

 

"Sorry about that, she had a rough night," Abby explained. "She's just…she's gonna stay in the closet for a little while."

 

Holtz nodded, hoping her face didn't betray her. Clearly Erin had not told Abby about the previous night, and she wasn't particularly in the mood to meddle right now. She shoved her hands in her pockets and smiled softly.

 

"So, Dr. Yates. Tell me about these formulas," Holtz said.

 

"Okay," Abby said, taking a deep breath. "You have to promise to hear me out. The work is…a little crazy, but I swear it's the coolest thing you'll ever do."

 

Holtz nodded excitedly.

 

"We're uh…we're hunting ghosts. Or, I guess, proving that they're real, and then hunting them," she said.

 

Holtz's eyes grew wide and a grin broke across her face.

 

"I'll take the position," Holtz said quickly.

 

"You…you don't want any more information?" Abby asked her softly. Her wary undertone gave her away. "You don't think we're crazy?" she said softly.

 

Holtz shook her head fiercely and grabbed Abby's hands in her own.

 

"This is everything I've always wanted," Holtz said. Her mind flicked briefly to Erin, still sitting in the closet.

 

Abby grinned and pulled her in for a hug.

 

"Welcome to the Conductors of the Metaphysical…."

 

Holtz quirked an eyebrow.

 

"The ghostbusters," she said.

 

"Uh…Erin won't like that very much. She's a little-"

 

"Ghostbusters," Holtz repeated matter-of-factly.

 

"Ghostbusters," Abby repeated.

 

***

 

Holtzmann headed toward the office upstairs to fill out some paperwork for the new position. She sat in an administration room, her head bent low scribbling out her personal details.

 

"Hi," a soft voice accompanied a shadow blocking the fluorescent overhead lights. Holtz lifted her head to see Erin standing above her, nervously chewing her bottom lip. "Holtz, right?" she asked, her wavering voice giving her away.

 

"Uh, yeah," Holtz responded, lying the clipboard and pen in her lap.

 

"Mind if I sit?" Erin asked, gesturing to the space next to Holtzmann. She shook her head and welcomed Erin, her heart speeding up quickly as she realized there was nobody else in the room. Holtz jiggled her foot anxiously as they sat in silence for a few beats.

 

"I'm sorry," Erin started in. Before she could continue, Holtz cut her off.

 

"It's fine. Really. The lying about the name and making up an excuse to leave. It's fine," she said, annoyed at how quickly her voice had gained a bit of anger behind it. She was used to this. She knew how to let people use her and leave. She wanted more from Erin, but if Erin wasn't fully invested, she could live with it. She wasn't sure if she was speaking more for Erin's benefit or her own.

 

Holtz met her gaze and shifted again.

 

"It's not fine," Erin said softly. "I had the best night of my life last night," she added with a soft chuckle.

 

Holtz's mouth twitched with an almost-smile. Erin reached into her lap and grabbed one of her hands.

 

"But...if we work together, we can't be together," Erin said softly.

 

Holtz nodded with understanding.

 

"And...we can't tell Abby. Thank you, Holtz."

 

She nodded again. She felt her heart sink in her stomach, but she wanted this job.

 

_Being around Erin every day is enough,_ she thought. She could be friends. They could make this work.

 

Erin smiled wide at her and patted her hand gently before excusing herself.

 

_This is worth it,_ she thought. _It has to be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi fam,
> 
> I'm sorry this has taken me a while to update. It's been a tough few weeks. Thanks always for the love and patience y'all give me.


	4. This Trumpet in My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't get that trumpet out of my head.  
> I can't get that trumpet out of my head.  
> I woke up and I can't get that trumpet out of my head.

Erin sunk back against the door of the closet. She reached above her head for the paper towels next to the sink to wipe her mouth. She dropped her head into her hands and groaned. Her memories from the previous night hit her like an electromagnetic wave as soon as she had made eye contact with the set of bright blue eyes now just on the other side of the door. Her brain was flooded with too many things: excitement over seeing Holtzmann again, shame over having lied about her name, embarrassment over not telling Abby.

 

_Abby._

 

She couldn't know, Erin decided. Abby would never judge her, but she barely knew what was happening herself. She could taste the way the word _bisexual_ slid across her tongue and it didn't taste right yet. She wasn't ready. Abby had known about a few of Erin's wildest college nights — she had bore witness to at least 2 morning-after walk ins and many hangovers — but she had never talked to Abby about having feelings for another woman. It had been fun and reckless and…college. Erin groaned again and leaned her head against the large sink next to her as a quiet tap on the door met her ears.

 

"Hey, it's me," Abby said, her concerned voice registering to Erin immediately. It was the tone Abby had used their whole lives when she knew something was wrong, but also knew that Erin was lying about something.

 

Erin crawled to the side of the door and pulled it open, letting Abby enter and shut it behind her. Her friend offered a water bottle and a half smile before crouching to join her on the ground.

 

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked softly.

 

Erin shook her head fervently, immediately regretting the decision and choking down the bile that rose in her throat. She looked at Abby through her bangs and saw her best friend examining her closely. Abby knew all of her signs. She knew when a panic attack was coming and when Erin was about to cry. She knew her face when she liked food versus when she was lying about liking food. She could see from the way Abby was studying her that something was different this time — she was giving off a signal that even Abby had never seen. It was the signal that a secret had been brewing in her throat for 15 years and didn't know how to make its way out.

 

"I'll be okay," Erin whispered softly.

 

Abby nodded and let herself out, closing Erin into the closet again. She wasn't panicked completely. She knew from Abby's description of Holtzmann that she was perfect for the job at hand. She also knew that they could never tell anyone about the previous night if they were going to work together. Erin was systematic in her planning, and she focused on trying to think of any time the story could come up with the three of them working together. She calmed herself by planning every response she could think of for when Abby might inquire to her about the nature of her relationship with Holtz. She touched the pads of her fingers together in a rhythmic fashion while she planned, slowly feeling her body return to normal.

 

She heard Abby and Holtz chatting outside, the tones of their voices letting on positive reactions from both. She waited until she heard the lab door open and shut before she slowly got off the floor and peeked back into the lab.

 

"She accepted," Abby said from her computer desk. "It's finally happening, Gilbert. We're gonna find a ghost!"

 

Erin smiled at her best friend across the room.

 

"I'm going to go talk to her quickly and apologize," Erin said. Abby nodded affirmatively, her eyes never leaving her computer.

 

***

 

Erin peered through the glass into the administrative waiting room. She saw the notable blonde hair bopping along to a silent song. She sucked in a deep breath, knowing that the only way to rectify the situation would be to ignore Holtzmann.

 

Her heart ached with the weight of the conversation ahead of her. She had seen how Holtzmann's eyes lit up when she recognized her in the lab, and she would be stupid to ignore the way her heart dipped at the sound of the other woman's voice. She could still feel the blonde's hands all over her body, her lips left ghostprints down her neck. Erin's stomach churned again as she entered the small room, noting that they were alone.

 

Holtz kept her head low and Erin nearly turned right around and left. She could feel her physical reaction to being this close and knew that they would never be able to be in a room together for work if she didn't clear the situation up.

 

"Hi," she let out softly offering a smile. She noted the way the blonde gripped her pen tighter at the sound of her voice. She forced herself to continue.

 

"Holtz, right?" she asked, kicking herself internally. _You moaned her name last night asshole. The least you can do is remember it._ "Mind if I sit?" she asked, trying to stay calm.

 

Her legs shook underneath her as she sat next to the blonde. She could feel a whole spectrum of emotions pouring out of the other woman. Erin was oblivious to a lot of things in the world, but her empathy got the best of her sometimes and she tuned fully in to the people around her. This was one of those times.

 

She noted how the blonde was fervidly shaking her foot and how her own pulse matched the pace. She saw her chewing her lip and wagging the pen in her hand back and forth, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Erin knew she had one chance to get her story out.

 

"I'm sorry," Erin breathed out, having her whole speech prepped. Before she could get another word out, she heard Holtz interrupt her.

 

"It's fine," she said bitingly. Erin felt the blood drain from her face. Holtz continued in an annoyed tone as Erin's heart fell further. She was breaking the heart of someone she barely knew, but she felt it too. She felt her clammy palms and the blood she drew from the inside of her lip from biting it too hard. She felt tinges of a panic attack run down her spine and into her legs. She let Holtzmann quietly accuse her. She deserved it.

 

"It's not fine," she finally mustered. _It's not fine, but I wasn't ready for you,_ she thought. _It's not fine, but I think if I wasn't already sure I was bisexual, you pretty much confirmed that,_ she thought. _It's not fine, but…_

 

 _"_ I had the best night of my life," she said out loud before she could stop herself. She blushed slightly, letting out a lighthearted giggle, a sound she didn't even know she could make. She saw a glimmer of excitement pass through Holtzmann's eyes and her smile fell again when she had to speak her next scripted line.

 

_But I feel like I could fall in love with you and that scares me._

 

"If we work together, we can't be together."

 

_I've kept this quiet from Abby for more than 20 years, and I'm still not ready to tell her._

 

"And…we can't tell Abby."

 

The blonde nodded her response of understanding. She refused to make eye contact, focusing back on the papers in front of her. Erin forced a smile, and patted her hand, immediately regretting the jolt she got from the soft touch. She knew it wasn't fair to make Holtzmann choose between work and her, but it was the easiest excuse. She couldn't tell Abby. She couldn't be with a woman. She wasn't ready for all of this. She made it back to the lab, Abby giving her a questioning look. Erin gave her a soft nod.

 

  _I'm okay._

 

_I'm okay._

_***_

_Holtz licked her way down Erin's neck, the redhead tangling her hands in that glorious blonde hair. The engineer had already stripped Erin down completely and was leaving bite marks down her chest. Her fingers slid lower and began to work small circles around her clit. She bit down hard on one of Erin's nipples as she pressed two fingers inside her simultaneously. Erin moaned loudly as Holtz found her rhythm, hitting Erin's g-spot repeatedly and hard. Erin was loud and she knew it, but she couldn't help it. She opened her eyes briefly to see a toothy smile and dark eyes. Erin threw her head back as Holtz increased her speed. She felt her legs tingle as she opened her mouth to scream--_

 

Erin jolted up in bed, a loud moan leaving her lips as she felt her thighs get wet. 

 

"FUCK!" she yelled to the empty room, punching her fist into the mattress. The dreams had been plaguing her for weeks since Holtzmann had started working with she and Abby. Erin tried to keep her distance as much as possible, but the blonde had moonwalked her way across the lab with a sly wink one too many times.

 

Her frantic dance moves, expert fingers and cheeky smiles had Erin's brain in a tizzy most days. Sometimes she was able to tune out Holtzmann — she moved her whiteboard to a different part of the lab or took her laptop to a coffee shop — but they were forced to work closely on most of their projects because Erin's math backed Holtz's machines.

 

Erin hadn't forgotten how good it had felt to fuck Holtz but, more than that, she knew her feelings for Holtz were growing deeper by the way her heart nearly beat out of her chest when the blonde looked at her. They had their routines worked out — Holtz would smile and make a joke, Erin would laugh and blush; Holtz would throw some crazy hip movements into her dance, Erin would laugh and blush; Holtz would be silent for 45 minutes straight working out intricate circuitry, Erin would stare and blush as her stomach tightened watching those fingers. And so it went on.

 

Holtz bit the tip of her pen while she planned and Erin bit the inside of her lip until she tasted dots of blood. Holtz slammed her tools on the desk when she had a breakthrough and Erin slammed her fist into her mattress when she woke up moaning the blonde's name time and time again. Holtz grinned at her across the lab and Erin grinned back. They danced delicately and playfully around each other.

 

***

Time seemed to move slower when Holtzmann looked at Erin. Even if it was for the purpose of discussing work, the way her bright blue eyes — always reminiscent of the color of Erin's painted skin from their first night together — bore into Erin and made her feel stripped somehow. Whenever Holtz wanted to add commentary, rather than pipe in, she gently touched Erin's arm or ghosted her fingertips across the top of her thigh to get her attention. The result was often Erin balking to a stop, sometimes in the middle of a word. Holtz would smile at her and softly add her commentary before winking and letting a flustered Erin regain her thoughts.

 

 

On nights when they went out together, Erin always stayed sober if Holtz was around. She couldn't risk letting Abby in on their secret. Holtz, after even the smallest amount of alcohol, would lean heavily on Erin draping her arms across the redhead's neck and leaning her head on her shoulder. Erin would softly laugh and tilt her back to a seated position. She tried so hard to pretend that she had no idea what it felt like to taste the blonde, feel her hips bucking into her face. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes she went home and pressed her fingers inside herself, aching for the blonde to do it instead.

 

Over time it became more. It became less craving touch, more craving Holtzmann's intimacy. The way she always listened intently, always picked up on Erin's small ticks. She had this talent for Abby as well, but Erin noted quickly that she was more attuned to the redhead than anyone else they encountered. Erin went out of her way to stay late at the lab, knowing that Holtz turned the music up a few notches when Abby left. Erin would scoot her chair as close to Holtzmann's work station as she could muster, smiling gently and bopping her head softly while she worked.

 

She knew she wanted more than sex, but at that point, what more could she desire? She tried to focus back on the way her inner thighs twitched when she thought about the blonde instead of the way her heartbeat turned into a 2-4 rhythm flutter in her chest. 

 

Once in a while, Holtz would convince her to dance. Once, she made a move, pressing their bodies together, her hands moving on Erin's hips, running across her stomach. Erin nearly lost it that time, feeling both her lips and her brain react simultaneously to literally rip her away from Holtzmann and sprint out of the room, her mouth still somewhat puckered in the hopes of a kiss.

 

She was slowly losing her mind, but her work was worth it.

 

***

 

4 months after Holtzmann started in the lab, Erin went to get lunch. Abby was sick that day, so just the two remained. When she came back to the lab, she saw blonde hair on the ground next to a tipped over stool. A small machine smoked lightly on the table.

 

Holtzmann's glasses were knocked askew and on the floor next to her face, one lens cracked. Her eyes were closed and her chest moved inordinately slow and labored.

 

Erin dropped their food, feeling hot coffee spread over her suede shoes.

 

_Call 911._

 

_Now._

 

Gripping her cell phone in her hand, eyes wide, she panic dialed the number.

 

"I have an emergency in the physics department at Columbia University. Please hurry, there's a lot of blood."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a little long because we needed to pass some time, so I hope it felt smooth! Thanks as always for reading, friends. More updates coming soon now that we're past some larger events. 
> 
> Also, I decided that adding the lyrics might help explain where this story came from. So, have lyrics in the summary.


	5. Silent My Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I can't tell if I am living or just holding on._  
>  Cause wicked games, these wicked winners, kick me till I'll drown.

Holtzmann held the pliers in her hand tightly. She connected the circuits exactly right, throwing down the tool and whooping as the machine on the table came to life. Erin peered up at her from her desk across the lab and smiled softly. For weeks, she had been working on a machine to amplify ghost energy that Erin and Abby had theorized years ago.

 

Her first day on the job, she had been briefed on the updates to the research since its publication. She had listened intently, scribbling notes on a rainbow notepad that she shoved in the pocket of her cargo pants and a pencil that she shoved back in her hair. She had worked with Abby on the initial design over the next week, making suggestions and tweaks along the way. She and Abby had built up a friendly rapport over their time together, Holtzmann poking fun at Abby and Abby ensuring Holtz remembered to eat every few hours. They had become fast friends upon first meeting, but Holtz was sure by this point they were platonically made for each other.

 

Erin, on the other hand, had mostly stuck to her desk. She would occasionally wander over to Holtzmann's area in need of a break. Holtzmann would scoot to the side of her project, diving into a fervid explanation of what she was working on. She noticed that Erin always had a studied look on her face in these moments, focusing intently on the table rather than on Holtzmann. She could practically feel Erin trying to burn a hole in the table to avoid meeting her eyes. Holtz would eventually stop her wild gesturing, waving her hand in front of Erin's eyes to get her attention again. She'd smile gently and wink, feeling her stomach flip when Erin would smile back at her and wander back to her desk.

 

Some days, when Holtz's eyes lingered just a moment too long, Erin would move to a different part of the lab. Or she would leave. Holtz's heart would sink lower on these days, not wanting to admit that she was probably the cause. She didn't understand how someone who she had known instantly could always feel so far away.

 

As time went on, Holtzmann began to let herself get lost in Erin. She knew it was a bad idea. She had spent weeks focusing all of her energy into her machines but sometimes, she couldn't help herself. She'd let herself watch Erin at her whiteboard, hands planted firmly on her hips, open marker dangling dangerously close to the hem of her white shirt. Holtz let her eyes focus on Erin's ass as she shifted her weight from hip to hip, let them linger downwards toward her long legs, clad in dark green skin tight jeans. Holtz allowed herself a brief moment to remember what it felt like between those legs before sighing loudly and getting back to her machines.

 

She let it happen more often each day. She became more daring. She gave up on blocking out her feelings. She knew she shouldn't want Erin in any way, let alone in a physical way, but something about the redhead wouldn't leave her mind. Or her body.

 

From the first night they had met, Holtz had felt something different living in her body. Her blood seemed to run differently through her veins, her heart pumping at a different rhythm when Erin was around. She felt her whole body rearrange when they were close, as though a piece of her was always making space for Erin. She could feel her body reworking itself and learning to live with another soul inside it. It wasn't a feeling of finally being complete, Holtz didn't believe in being one half of a whole. Rather, it was a feeling of being full. She was always complete without someone else, but she always craved more than herself. With Erin around, her hands stopped searching for someone to hold. Her mouth stopped craving the taste of a stranger's lips. She felt full.

 

Erin would come over to her work station to triple check her math. Holtzmann would interrupt her by letting her fingers run against Erin's forearm. She would bend to peer over Erin's shoulder at something, letting her breath slither along Erin's neck and noting how her skin reacted with goosebumps and a slight blush. She would pull her by the hands, entangling their fingers to dance in her comical way around the lab, loving the sound of Erin's laughter as she let herself go. The sound rang in her ears when she tried to sleep, blending in with the memory of her moans as Holtz would drag her fingers slowly over her own body.

 

She noticed Erin staying later and later with her in the lab, feigning ignorance of the time and continuing to work until Holtz was finished. The blonde couldn't help but feel her stomach pull when Erin would offer a late night coffee run. She watched the redhead's fingers twitch around her marker when she turned the music up a few notches, hoping to get her dancing again.

 

On a Tuesday night, Holtz cranked up a familiar song — the same one that had been playing 4 months earlier when Erin had daringly pressed her lips into Holtz's neck and wormed her way into her body. Erin froze, her marker falling to the ground as she turned to face Holtz. Holtz grinned at her, placing her tongs down on the table slowly and shifting her hips in Erin's direction. She quirked an eyebrow. A silent question flew between them.

 

Erin's body quieted slightly — Holtz could see it in the way she rolled her shoulders back. She took this as a cue to extend her hand toward Erin who, after peeking around the lab to make sure nobody was around, had taken her hand and rolled her hips, staying an armslength apart always. Until the beat of the song dropped in the final chorus.

 

Holtz's mind wandered to the exact moment when Erin's smile had won her over. When her fingers had trailed over the curves of Erin's hips and the taste of tequila and body paint had happily flooded her lips. Without thinking more about it, she grabbed Erin by the hips and pulled their bodies close, hearing the redhead's breath hitch. Their heads rested together. She kept their bodies moving, her hands daring to brush the skin beneath Erin's t-shirt. Her eyes wandered up Erin's face slowly, noting how her lips were slowly closing in on her own. She met Erin's eyes and found them dark before they sparked back to life, fear exploding into the bright blue irises followed quickly by Erin sprinting away. Holtz's hands stayed in place, her whole body frozen. She deflated slowly, her hands falling into the pockets of her overalls. She dragged her feet slowly back to her station, turning the music off and dejectedly leaving the lab before Erin could come back.

 

Holtz walked slowly home, enjoying the bite of cool air against her cheeks. She didn't live anywhere near campus, but she couldn't think about being packed into a subway at the moment. She felt her hands slowly clenching and unclenching at her side, willing the feeling of almost to leave her body. She tasted almost on her lips, the same flavor as Erin's favorite chapstick. She smelled it in the soft scent of clean sheets as she walked by the laundromat where she knew Erin occasionally dropped her clothes when she didn't have time to wash them herself. She felt it in the way her heart was filling to the brim, trying to make up for the space that it had created. Almost invaded her. She sucked in the dirty New York air, praying that at least almost could feel better than not at all.

 

***

 

A week after the incident, Holtz was staring at Erin again. Abby was out that day, allowing Holtz to watch Erin more than she may have when their third teammate was around. They hadn't spoken about their after hours encounter since it happened, both knowing that in order to keep working, they had to continue dancing delicately around each other.

 

Noon rolled around and Erin signaled that she was off to lunch. Holtz had grunted affirmatively in her direction and continued working on the small device on the table. She and Erin had been working for 2 weeks straight trying to create the small reactor that would draw ghosts to them. They were hoping to test it next week and Holtz had spent nearly every night since their almost evening at the lab. Erin had been leaving on time, always checking in with Holtz before stepping out, but always ensuring that she left before Abby. She didn't want to be alone with Holtz and the blonde had to accept that. So when Abby had texted them both that she was ill, Erin's expertly executed plan fell apart. Holtz had gotten to the lab early hoping to get a quick start on the machine. She assumed Erin also wouldn't come in that day. So, when the redhead walked hesitantly into the lab with an extra coffee in her hands for Holtz, the blonde had graciously accepted, taking the coffee from her and making sure their fingers never touched. They had kept their distance most of the morning.

 

Holtz bent over the machine, delicately holding two wires close to each other, ensuring they would match up. A bump from the hallway caught her attention and she looked up, assuming Erin was coming back into the lab for something. A sharp surge through her fingertips hit Holtz hard. She let the wires go, and pulled back too quickly. Her stool tilted backwards, her neck meeting the cold metal of the table behind her before she hit the ground.

 

***

 

Holtz smacked her lips together, feeling her heavy limbs at her sides. The sheets underneath her were scratchy.

 

_Wait._

_Sheets?_

 

She blinked her eyes open slowly, pain searing down the back of her neck when she tried to move it. She stayed still and closed her eyes again as she heard her lab mates arguing nearby.

 

"Erin, what the fuck do you mean?"

 

"Abby! I'm…I didn't mean to!"

 

Erin's voice broke on the last word.

 

"You didn't mean to stick your tongue inside our engineer?"

 

"I didn't mean to have feelings for her, Abby! I didn't mean to…"

 

"Erin, I don't care if you slept together. Honestly, good for you both. You could stand to get laid a little more often. But why didn't you say anything?"

 

"I couldn't, okay? I told her no the first day she walked into our lab, and I couldn't turn back on that! I was an asshole. I was an asshole and I fell for her and I'm sorry."

 

Abby huffed intently.

 

"I'm just glad she's okay," the brunette said softly. "For both of our sakes. But I swear to God, Erin, I'm not going to dance around this anymore. Tell her or get rid of your feelings because this is ridiculous."

 

"I'll tell her. I'll tell her," Erin whispered softly. Holtz heard the door to her room open and close. She heard footsteps come next to the bed, distinctly Erin's, and felt a hand slide into hers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and good vibes fuel me <3


	6. Let It Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In my weakest moments I weep,  
>  Cause I like the way, tears fit my cheek.  
> In my darkest moments I cry.  
> Oh how I love the way, tears suits my face._

Erin crawled to where Holtz's body was lying crumbled on the floor. She wanted to pull the engineer into her lap and hold her until the paramedics arrived, but she had learned ages ago not to move a body after an accident in case of spinal injury.  

 

Instead, she sat as close as she dared to Holtz, tucking her knees underneath herself and grabbing one of Holtz's hands in her own, pressing gentle kisses to each finger. She reached next to the blonde and picked up her glasses from the floor, folding them and tucking them neatly into the pocket of her blazer. 

 

She stayed in that position until help arrived. She watched as Holtz's body was loaded delicately onto a gurney. She followed, grabbing her purse from the floor on the way out.  

 

"We can't take anyone that's not related," the medic told her as she waited by the door of the ambulance. She couldn't form words to argue. Instead, she nodded her head and hailed a taxi, mumbling to the driver to follow the ambulance.  

 

An excruciatingly long car ride gave her enough time to fall into full on panic. If she had given Holtz a chance the first time she walked into the lab, Erin would be in the ambulance with her. As her girlfriend. If she hadn't been so self-conscious and self-hating, the whole situation might have been avoided. She didn't know in that moment exactly how Holtz had gotten hurt, but she had a sinking feeling that she had something to do with it.  

 

She let quiet tears drift from the corners of her eyes as she watched traffic fly by her. The moment she had walked in and seen Holtz on the ground, she could no longer avoid the situation. From the first time she had felt Holtzmann's hands on her body, Erin felt a galaxy growing inside of her. A new way of life was slowly creeping its way into her consciousness. She could see pieces of Holtzmann in every facet of her life. She saw a bathroom sink with two toothbrushes. She saw an extra coffee cup on her table in the morning. She saw lazy Sundays, busy Wednesdays, and everything in between. She saw the pieces of her life fitting together in a new way, each of them peppered by the sparkle in Holtzmann's eyes when she looked at Erin.  

 

She could tell Abby. She knew her best friend wouldn't be mad or even surprised at this point. She had been sending curious glances at Erin for weeks when she would interrupt a moment between her two colleagues. She knew something was going on, but Erin doubted she had pieced the puzzles together.  

 

 _Shit._  

 

 _Abby._  

 

Erin pulled her cell phone out of her purse as the taxi pulled in behind the ambulance. She rushed in, hitting Abby's number in her favorites as she fast walked through the doors, trailing the paramedics.  

 

Abby picked up one ring before she would have hit voicemail.  

 

"I know you're sick, but it's Holtz. She's in the hospital," Erin rushed out. After a beat, she included the location, assuring Abby that she would be at Holtz's side as soon as possible. She tried to get close to where Holtz was taken in the emergency room, but two hands grabbed her arms and pulled her back as a curtain was drawn in front of the bed. After recognizing what was happening, Erin let herself be led to a seating area nearby. She could hear the harsh chatter of doctors all around her, but her ears were only seeking the voice of someone who wasn't there.  

 

Erin sat in an uncomfortable chair in a side waiting room.  She texted Abby the name of the waiting room and sat in stunned silence. She looked around her at the few other scattered people who were in the room, all waiting anxiously for a doctor to call the right name. Her eyes dropped slowly to her lap as she noticed that her eyes were streaming with tears.  

 

5 minutes after she had been brought into the back room, a doctor in black scrubs walked into the room with a green clipboard.  

 

"Family of Jillian Holtzmann?" She asked loudly. Erin's eyes flashed wide as she jumped out of her chair and hurried toward the woman.  

 

"Me! It's me! Hi, I'm the family of Jillian Holtzmann," she waved her arms at the doctor. The woman looked her up and down with a perplexed look.  

 

"I'm really sorry, we can only talk to family," she said softly, sending Erin a sad look. "All I can tell you is that she's okay." 

 

Erin took a deep breath and clenched her hands, quietly shifting them behind her. She shifted the ring she always wore to her ring finger and deliberately adjusted her shoulder purse with her left hand.  

 

"I'm her fiancée. Can I see her now?" Erin added desperately. The doctor looked at her again with a glint of suspicion, but eventually nodded her head. She led Erin through the maze of the hospital to a private room.  

 

"She's okay, but she's going to have a hell of a headache when she wakes up," the doctor said, gesturing to Holtz's still body in the bed. "Best we can figure, she hit the back of her head against something extremely hard. She's lucky she didn't fracture her spine. She's got some bruising and a concussion so she'll need a few days of recovery. You said you're her fiancée, right? Can you fill out her insurance information for us?" 

 

Erin paused staring at the doctor wide-eyed. She chewed her bottom lip.  

 

"Umm…can I just…have…a few minutes with her please? I'll take care of the insurance stuff in a little bit. I just…want to…sit and digest this all if you don't mind." 

 

The doctor nodded at her and excused herself. Erin let out a deep sigh, cursing herself for getting into this lie in the first place. She walked next to Holtz's bed, sweeping loose curls off of her forehead. She checked around for a moment making sure Abby wasn't anywhere in sight before pressing a soft kiss to the blonde's forehead. She rested her own there momentarily, breathing in the now-familiar scent of oil and spice that was naturally Holtz.  

 

"Hey," she whispered. She laughed softly at herself for talking to someone who was passed out, keeping their heads bowed together. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, Holtz. I've been an asshole. I've been such an asshole. There really aren't proper words to explain this, but I think you get it." 

 

She inhaled sharply.  

 

"I should have told you. I should have told you weeks ago that I didn't want us to be a one night thing. And I should have gotten over myself and told Abby. She already knows I think, honestly. About me that is. And maybe about us. It's a little hard to keep my eyes off of you sometimes and I know she's caught me," she added with another breathy laugh. Tears welled up in her eyes again.  

 

"I didn't think I was ready for this, Holtz. I've spent too long in my head trying to be somebody I'm so clearly not. I'm…I'm Occam's Razor. I mean -- God, I am really bad at this. I'm the simplest explanation for myself. I've devoted years to coming up with theories and reasons to explain why I am this way and why I felt so ashamed about it and I'm the only one standing in my way. I'm the explanation for why I thought I wasn't ready. But I'm ready now, okay? I'm ready. So I need you to wake up before I lose my courage." 

 

She stayed still for another few moments before she heard familiar shouting down the hall. Abby ran into the room, a doctor trailing behind her. Erin jerked her body upwards, plastering on a fake smile.  

 

"She's with us," Erin said to the doctor. The woman nodded and rolled her eyes slightly as she left.  

 

"What the fuck happened?" Abby half-yelled.  

 

"Calm down, please," Erin said softly, pleading for her anxiety to quell itself. Her throat burned with the words that were about to come up.  

 

"I went to go get lunch and when I came back she was passed out on the floor. They think she hit her head on the desk or something. She's okay, just some bruising and a concussion thankfully. But uh…I kind of had to tell the doctors that I was her fiancée to get them to let me back here. So, that's something I'll have to deal with eventually." 

 

Abby's eyes went wide as she listened to her best friend explain. She soaked it in for a moment before taking a deep breath.  

 

"Well, I'm glad she's okay. The fiancée thing is pretty hilarious, honestly. You? Going for Holtzmann? She is so not your type. You always preferred brunettes if I remember correctly." 

 

Abby clamped her hands over mouth as Erin's eyes went wide.  

 

"You -- I --- you knew?" Erin asked her, finally swallowing her fear.  

 

Abby nodded slowly.  

 

"I'm sorry, Erin. I guess I just always assumed? You had way too much fun at those parties to not have some kind of feelings there." 

 

Erin nodded and took a deep breath.  

 

"Okay. Uh. Abby. My best friend. You are my best friend." 

 

"Are you okay? You're all sweaty," the smaller woman responded, gesturing to Erin's bangs.  

 

"I need to tell you something." 

 

Abby nodded at her.  

 

"I slept with Holtz. Before she started working with us. On Halloween. But um…it's more than that. Abby, I have really serious feelings for her. It….it wasn't just sex." 

 

Abby's eyes went wide and her face reddened quickly.  

 

The two were so wrapped up in their conversation that they didn't hear the soft moan coming from the bed behind them.  

 

"Erin, what the fuck do you mean?" 

 

"Abby! I'm…I didn't mean to!" 

 

"You didn't mean to stick your tongue inside our engineer?" 

 

"I didn't mean to have feelings for her, Abby! I didn't mean to…" 

 

"Erin, I don't care if you slept together. Honestly, good for you both. You could stand to get laid a little more often. But why didn't you say anything?" 

 

"I couldn't, okay? I told her no the first day she walked into our lab, and I couldn't turn back on that! I was an asshole. I was an asshole and I fell for her and I'm sorry." 

 

Abby huffed intently.  

 

"I'm just glad she's okay," the brunette said softly. "For both of our sakes. But I swear to God, Erin, I'm not going to dance around this anymore. Tell her or get rid of your feelings because this is ridiculous." 

 

"I'll tell her. I'll tell her," Erin whispered softly. Holtz heard the door to her room open and close again. She heard footsteps come next to the bed, distinctly Erin's, and felt a hand slide into hers.  

 

"I'm sorry, Holtz," she whispered again. "I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you."  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW. I'm back, y'all. I'm so sorry for my sudden absence, it has been a really hectic month. Thanks for your patience and continued reading!! Comments are always a joy.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and chapters are all Lykke Li songs/albums. Comments, critiques and questions always appreciated! Find me on tumblr at tittianamaslany. Thanks always due to my exceptional beta, lupwned.


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